But the breakdown is far from clear and complete. We are culturally bound by the ideas of sacrifice, slavery, respect for elders, and we celebrate dependence as a symbol of cooperative living. grown-up children continue to live with their parents; Grandparents actively participate in the upbringing of their grandchildren; And parents expect their children to take care of them when they see that the circumstance warrants it. Expectations on both sides to be available to help each other
These expectations are expensive. they need time Resource And the effort, which, according to the experience of our friend, can be dealt with with furious indignation. She felt like a stranger in her children’s homes, as they proceeded to build their lives based on their own beliefs and preferences. My friend doesn’t know this anymore. She called me to ask how she could keep her relationship healthy and avoid resentment. What can one expect realistically, he asked.
First, make your old age a priority rest And make sure you have made provision for it. If you have a house, as my friend has, continue to keep it and live in it during your time there. You have a fund to manage yourself Expense, Do not spend the last penny on your children, but set aside money for yourself. It’s something that most of us do on a regular basis, and a friend of mine had romantic thoughts of shutting everything down and delivering before she decided to stay with her kids. Luckily he decided to give it a try before doing anything drastic.
Second, recognize that your life stage and that of your children are very different. As a retired person, you have all the time; You have limited responsibilities to others; and you can be Safe With your money for the future. Your kids have careers of their own to pursue, kids to raise, and a corpus to build. Depending on them for a period of time, attention and resources for them can be exhausted and lead to resentment. Instead, rely on your circle of like-minded friends. Find a purpose that goes beyond hanging out with your grown children and their families.
Third, your children love and care for you and will be more than willing to support you if you are able to take care of your normal daily routine without asking for your time. It assumes that the relationship is cordial. Talk to them about your fears and apprehensions and ask them to help you with what can be a really difficult situation for you to deal with alone. It may be easier for them to hire or pay for support services, attendants, domestic helps and the like. Make it easy for them to allocate resources to your specific needs.
Fourth, pick up big ticket expenses only if they are willing to bear the cost. In most cases, children are generous enough to meet your needs if they are earning well. Home repairs and renovations, tickets and travel, health care and hospitalization are all big ticket items that require resources that you may not be able or willing to allocate from your funds. Make your own choices about how to raise and manage these expenses with your children. If you choose to move cities make it a joint decision; Prioritize palliative care over hospitalization etc.
Fifth, question your allocation for gift-giving and the customs to follow for it. There is no end to buying stuff. And as our experiences show, we will be able to see that what we buy for others is sometimes wasteful and unnecessary. Consider allocating money to items of expense that can easily be avoided. In this day and age, clothing, jewellery, artefacts, household items are all chosen with a huge dose of personal preference. There’s no merit in buying something for your kids or their families and resenting that they didn’t use it.
Sixth, avoid feeling entitled to your children’s wealth. We could demand that when we raised them, they be grateful for what we did for them; But they are busy raising their children in turn. My friend felt that she should ask her children to deposit a certain amount in their account every month. This is income from her investments and a widow’s pension from the government, despite her having sufficient corpus. Allowances are likely to be irregular and a source of discord. View children as the exception rather than the norm. They have priorities for their income and you shouldn’t be offended by that.
Seventh, consider the reality of modern life, where, unwilling to make adjustments for each other, we are all fond of our own choices, habits and indulgences. This is as true for the parent as it is for the older child. The idea of ​​living in another’s house requires frequent accommodation of the other, and we may not be able to do this permanently. Instead of getting angry with each other, plan to live independently and provide and keep the relationship pleasant and friendly.
Many of these ideas are very well known to us. That’s what we used to think of as a group of friends, including one who is now depressed. We consistently acknowledged these points in our conversations about aging. A real experience, and our friend threw it all in the air and returned furious, angry and confused. What worries me is that we may not be fully prepared for independence in old age.
(The author is chairperson of the Center for Investment Education and Learning.)
Read also: 7 ways to not stay away from your kids in old age